7th August Facebook update:
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Today PB and I went to chemo school. Think we are just about info'd up .. It is very much a wait and see now. I have an ECG tomorrow morning, and then chemo session number one at 1.00 pm. Will take At least four hours... Have trashy mags and raspberry twists to keep me occupied. Will also take my iPad .
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10th August 2012.
Still struggling. So tired.
Nxx
14th August 2012:
Well. Hi.!
I woke up this morning ... And actually feel.... Human again!
Chemo.
What a fucking bitch.
It would HAVE TO BE killing the cancer.... I can't imagine how anything can survive it. There were times in the last week I felt like I wouldn't.
So as is my want ... A little progress report.
So a week ago I had my first of six treatments. I will totally honest here darlings. I don't want to ever do it again. Hardest week of my life. Hard.est.
ALLL the usual chemo symptoms ... And a couple Of weird shit ones. I now have wolverine sense of smell. I can smell EVERYTHING. WITHIN A 10 mile radius. Everything stinks. Including me. ... Revolting.
Nightmares are soo bizarre and just keep going as a rolling movie every time I go back to sleep. And it isn't like the plot is even a good one.
Also. My hair.... Is dry and weird feeling. My head is itchy and sore... And I have weird inflamed lumps all over my head. The hair is going.... I have had enough... As soon as I can find a pair of clippers it is gone.
Yup one sexy beast.
today I am tired, and dry all over, and my hands and feet are sweaty and freezing, it's like my body isn't mine anymore... Its a warehouse for chemicals, and pills, and tablets. Which will kill the cancer. And so I am grateful,( in a totally ungrateful first world kind of way.)
Weird symptom : reflux. The worst I. Have ever had. Hurts constantly. Cant lie down, can't sit up. Woot.
In other news... I have two sick ones at home .. Pb is sleeping on the sofa, because he can't sleep with me, and Bella is on day three of a flu, also not near me.
Face masks are the new black.
In great news, my darling family are stepping up to the plate more than I could ever have imagined. They are caring for me beautifully. Bella just got an A on a science report and Gee is going great guns in the last few weeks of her year 12 .... And PB is king of the washing machine. :))) what a man!
So there ya go.
Today the sun is shining. And I feel ok.
And I am another day closer to being past this.
And while there are a hell of a lot of times when I don't think I can do it, today, right now, I think maybe I can.
Love. Love.
Nx
I woke up this morning ... And actually feel.... Human again!
Chemo.
What a fucking bitch.
It would HAVE TO BE killing the cancer.... I can't imagine how anything can survive it. There were times in the last week I felt like I wouldn't.
So as is my want ... A little progress report.
So a week ago I had my first of six treatments. I will totally honest here darlings. I don't want to ever do it again. Hardest week of my life. Hard.est.
ALLL the usual chemo symptoms ... And a couple Of weird shit ones. I now have wolverine sense of smell. I can smell EVERYTHING. WITHIN A 10 mile radius. Everything stinks. Including me. ... Revolting.
Nightmares are soo bizarre and just keep going as a rolling movie every time I go back to sleep. And it isn't like the plot is even a good one.
Also. My hair.... Is dry and weird feeling. My head is itchy and sore... And I have weird inflamed lumps all over my head. The hair is going.... I have had enough... As soon as I can find a pair of clippers it is gone.
Yup one sexy beast.
today I am tired, and dry all over, and my hands and feet are sweaty and freezing, it's like my body isn't mine anymore... Its a warehouse for chemicals, and pills, and tablets. Which will kill the cancer. And so I am grateful,( in a totally ungrateful first world kind of way.)
Weird symptom : reflux. The worst I. Have ever had. Hurts constantly. Cant lie down, can't sit up. Woot.
In other news... I have two sick ones at home .. Pb is sleeping on the sofa, because he can't sleep with me, and Bella is on day three of a flu, also not near me.
Face masks are the new black.
In great news, my darling family are stepping up to the plate more than I could ever have imagined. They are caring for me beautifully. Bella just got an A on a science report and Gee is going great guns in the last few weeks of her year 12 .... And PB is king of the washing machine. :))) what a man!
So there ya go.
Today the sun is shining. And I feel ok.
And I am another day closer to being past this.
And while there are a hell of a lot of times when I don't think I can do it, today, right now, I think maybe I can.
Love. Love.
Nx
15th August 2012.
Well pb took me out today. :) we went to the rock and roll fruit barn. We bought a shitload of yummy f and v, ham , salads and a huge arse loaf of fresh bread.
BEST LUNCH EVER. So so good. Interesting side effect(?) of my life at the moment. I am CRAVING good food. Crunch is everything, clean and crisp... Fruit is so important to me.. A week ago I couldn't get enough chocolate into me, now I feel like I should want to eat it... But I would rather eat an apple!!! (there will be amongst you reading that last sentence again and again... Yup aliens have Taken over my body.)
It's an interesting thing ...I feel more interested in my health .. What goes into my body, what it is actually doing for me... Than ever before.
Hoping it is something I will hang onto and use for change for good.
Silver lining.!!
Nx
That was what I wrote to friends and family over the course of the first chemo intake. Reading it back it sounds like I seemed chipper and bouyant, and some days , hours, minutes were truly like that. Others were darker than any place I have been in my life. That first dose of chemo was the hardest thing I had done to that moment. The actual process of getting the chemo into my body was longer, more painful and more boring than I expected. My left arm veins were never particularly good for bleeding etc.. so there were three ( or maybe four ) attempts to get the cannula into the back of my hand. fun stuff. They then send in drugs to combat nausea, and other stuff too. After about an hour and a half you are ready to receive the actual chemo drugs, which are mixed at the last minute as to avoid waste. They are extremely expensive..I think the nurse said mine was about $2000.00 a session. the drug I had for the first three sessions was FEC.. and it came out in bags and was bright red. They had to manually inject each of the big arse bags one at a time into my arm through the cannula. It was the strangest feeling. I could feel it travelling up my veins, and it ACHED the whole time. I had heat packs on my arm to help with the pain, and my arm was incredibly achy for a good two weeks after.
I felt fine when I left the hospital.
The chemo effects started about 3 hours later.
and it was fucking awful.
But.
I got through it.
Just.
BEST LUNCH EVER. So so good. Interesting side effect(?) of my life at the moment. I am CRAVING good food. Crunch is everything, clean and crisp... Fruit is so important to me.. A week ago I couldn't get enough chocolate into me, now I feel like I should want to eat it... But I would rather eat an apple!!! (there will be amongst you reading that last sentence again and again... Yup aliens have Taken over my body.)
It's an interesting thing ...I feel more interested in my health .. What goes into my body, what it is actually doing for me... Than ever before.
Hoping it is something I will hang onto and use for change for good.
Silver lining.!!
Nx
Hi Ngaire,
Thank you sooo much for sharing your story with us. I hope and pray that I never have to go through this. I think you are so incredibly brave and amazing with how you have dealt with it all and only hope if I ever get dealt this blow that I can be as strong as you. I was devastated when I heard you were going through this but I am glad now that you are back doing your art and creative stuff. It is good that you are telling your story exactly how it is. We just lost father in law to cancer in Sept and a dear friend who went through 2 years of chemo and we saw what that did to him. Such a horrible, horrible disease. I wish you lots of good health in the future and look forward to following your creativeness. xoxoxo
Posted by: Denise Barrett | Monday, 29 April 2013 at 04:52 PM
Hi Denise .
Thank you for your lovely note.
You are very sweet.
I am so sorry for your loss . My condolences.
You are so right . Cancer is a right bitch.
Peace
Ngaire xx
Posted by: Ngaire | Monday, 29 April 2013 at 05:02 PM