On the ground, not in it.

Fuck Cancer | Subversive Cross Stitch

 

 

Have someone make one for you, or make one for yourself.
:)

the first visit to the surgeon.

facebook  post on the 20th June 2102:

Just a quick update....surgery is scheduled for 9th July . Two weeks Monday. Lumpectomy and some lymph nodes removed. Over night surgery. All removed bits to be tested. Back for further surgery if the results are not clear. If results are clear... Recovery, five weeks of radiation , 5 days a week.. And then anti cancer drug for five years. 
I am going with the breast conservation option due to the apparent status of the cancer.. IF at any point it becomes more than expected ...bilateral mastectomy .
BUT .. At this point... That's the deal.
Very grateful.

and I was. Completely grateful.

Two weeks to wait for surgery was really hard. While my wonderful surgeon assured me that two weeks was not going to make any difference to my particular cancer , I just wanted to get on with it. Get the bitch out of my body, and move on past this blip.

So what type of cancer was lurking in my breast trying to kill me? I was diagnosed with Early Breast Cancer. , which was initially diagnosed as ductal carcinoma in situ.  All these words and stats , and percentages were thrown at me, and I struggled to take everything in. I was very glad to have my husband PB with me. Take someone with you! You need to have a clear mind to take in all the info, and trust me, it is unlikely to be you with the clear mind. I was told to cease taking the contraceptive pill immediately ( I had been on it for decades), as hormones "feed" the cancer that I  was carrying around. The surgeon struggled to find the tumor on my mammogram, only being sure of where it was due to the ultrasound. I could not feel any lumps myself, even after I was told exactly where it was. (**this is why you MUST get regular checks!!!)

message to my closest girlfriends following my initial visit to surgeon.:

hey my darlings.
Too much to put in a text so facebook it is.

if you are ever thinking of having breast cancer, please dont.
but if you ever get it.. make sure you have what i'm having.   its like ( at this stage) the best you could hope for while still actually having cancer.

SO. 
9th of july. 2.30pm.
cut following the line of my nipple, lump and surrounding tissue removed. another cut near lymph nodes , several removed. all examined while i am still under. assuming all is well and no irregularities in lymph nodes.. sewn up... in over night. no drains... no nothing. 
all removed bits tested over the course of three days.
back to surgeon ( great tiny practical dynamo of a woman.. really like her) for results.
IF all is as it seems and as expected... 
5 week course of radiation. 
5 year course of (i THINK it is) Tamoxifen.
NO CHEMO!!!!!
in theory.. good as gold. ( i cannot take the pill anymore as the cancer is fed by the pill.) 

IF there is more than expected following first op... back in for full mastectomy both sides.
will deal with that IF we need to.
Not going for full on removal straight up... as doc is VERY sure of treatment prescribed, and there are huge numbers of effects from going the full chop.
all of which I will gladly take if there is more to the little bastard than meets the eye.

PB is naturally in favour of the lesser treatment.
I am.. but will be hyper vigilant, because i cannot die from this.
Weirdly.. once the surgery is done my boobs will actually be almost exactly the same size.

So huge amounts of info to take in.... LOTS about percentages and risk factors, and the fact that mum survived with no recurrance of cancer is better in my favour too.

whew.
I am not totally sure my brain can actually process anymore shite.. so i am choosing NOT to panic. cause I cant be fucked.

brain hurts.
thank you for all the love, my darlings.
Ngai
xxxx

 

"everything will be alright in the end..... And if it's not yet alright.. Then it's not yet the end"

and so it begins.

The 15th  of June 2012 was the day I had my breast cancer confirmed.

I posted this on facebook to my friends:

I have breast cancer.

#checkyourself #haveyouhadamammogram #listentoyourgut #donotdelay !

In the space of a week I had gone from beginning to tick off a list of things I needed to do.. ( get a mammagram and ultrasound, visit the podiatrist, get a haircut etc.), to being diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a weird and wooly ride. One I thought I was prepared for, as my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12. She was 44 years old.

32 years on , at the exact same age, it was my turn. 

It began with a mammogram. It is a brief , uncomfortable test, but  a necessary one. If you are reading this and you havent yet had one, or you are due for another one, stop reading now and go make an appointment!  DO IT!

After the mammogram , I then went to have an ultrasound. This is another screening for breast cancer , pain free and non invasive, usually used with younger women, and as an additional screen for those with a higher chance of cancer due to family history etc. It was my ultrasound that showed the tumor.

To be honest with you I wasnt surprised. In fact I was completely underwhelmed. From the moment the screener left the room , ( I remember we were having a lovely conversation about her pregnancy, and how excited she and her partner were to be expecting their first child.). Her expression didnt change one bit as she smiled and excused herself to go find a doctor. That was the moment I knew. Right down in the pit of my gut, I knew it wasnt going to be good.

The Doctor came in, and I experienced the first (of countless) head tilts with a weak smile. He knew it was cancer just as well as I did. But for the moment we would both pretend everything was fine... and I would come back on the Friday, ( this was the Wednesday), to have a core biopsy done to confirm what we all knew was true.

I spent the next 48 hours going about my normal life, with a teeny voice inside me saying FUCK!! over and over again. I had my podiatrist appointment, smiled and nodded,  and did all the normal stuff I did, while the inside of me was already preparing for friday's confirmation.

 Friday came and confirm they did. (The core biopsy was only slightly painful, nothing to worry about if you are facing having one! ) I was given the name of a breast surgeon. and an appointment time to see her on the monday of the next week.

A very long weekend stretched out in front of me. At the same time I wondered just how much of my life I had left to live. 

I was terrified. Fucking. Terrified.

and determined to live.

 

 

"She decided that whenever life felt wild and dangerous, she would throw her head back, fling her arms up in the air, find her balance and dare to enjoy the ride. "
~ Queenisms™

 

  

lightly child, lightly...

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.”

― Aldous Huxley, Island